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Just because you are chubby and heartbroken doesn't mean you must sing Adele's song on Karaoke. 
In honour of the olympics I suggest we start a synchronized drinking team..... Whose in? :D
The word 'phonetically' doesn't even start with an F ....... FYI,,, crap like THAT,,, is why most aliens fly right past us
Ever seen Cookie Monster's feet?......... No?.................. Well, that's Diabetes for you!!
I often find myself rewording a long post so many times, that it completely loses the original subject... This one started off about bacon
Stupid people aren't flammable enough.
I never make the same mistake twice.... Dozens, maybe hundreds of times-but never twice.
When my mom texts me, I respond, "Can't talk now, I'm driving I'll call you when I ge" then ignore all texts and calls for 4 hours./.Hi-larious
Have you ever looked at someone and knew the wheel was turning but the Hampster was dead?!!!
Why don't you slip into something nice like a ______________
I could be a morning person....if morning happened around noon.
I respect whoever allowed women into the military. Girl on period + gun = unstoppable.
When I die, I want my friends to put a package of saltines in my coffin with a note saying "Best cracker out of the whole pack."
Cell phones ruined pushing people into pools
$ex is the most common event that draws people in to things. Be it sales, facebook posts, etc. I always felt that $ex is not the most important thing. And I've managed to instill this philosophy in all 18 of my kids.
Let's have sex? Breathe for yes, lick your elbow for no.
You know you're getting old when Happy Hour is a nap.
If you're not still a little drunk on Monday morning I'm not buying your good weekend story.
Mario Kart is more fun if you imagine everyone's fleeing the scene of a brutal homicide.
How can this cop expect me to show him my license when he took it away last month? What an Idiot.
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