Forget Trump - Funny Status Messages that are not about Trump

   Just got a fancy new bathroom scale that tells you what percentage pizza you are.

   Expecting your guy to be romantic all the time is like expecting you to behave like a porn star all the time.

   WTF.... (welcome to facebook)

   My liver works harder for two days than I do all week...

   Magic Mike is truly magical... its the first time my woman has come home without having a "Headache"...

   I wanna go to Africa to see where rappers come from.

   Girl in Victoria Secret: Wow! These bras & panties are 20% off!! Me: I bet If you hangout with me they'll be 100% off.

   Thanks to '50 Shades of Grey', my wife's Kindle now smells like 50 cans of tuna.

   Practicing my "Eye Rolling" cause you know... tomorrow's Monday.

   i joined a bridge club, I'm so excited. I jump tomorrow.

   There's 5 words in the English language that gets everyone defensive, protective and nervous..... those words are "Can I see your phone?"......

   EVERY girls dream is to eat without getting fat.

   Love and Alcohol are same... Once tasted, you can never stay away from them !!!!!

   Nowadays MILF doesn't have the same meaning, especially since there are 15 year old moms

   Why do huge people by tiny cars? They look like they couldn't find clothes to fit, so they're wearing a car.

   The problem with marriage is that it was invented when people only lived to the ripe old age of 30.

   You know what I think is cute? When my wife drives my girlfriend home without even suspecting a thing.

   John travolta was Quoted today saying I hope people look back at my life someday and say at least he had many Happy Endings.

   By massage you meant sex, right?

   how do you confuse an archaeologist? give him a used tampon and ask him what period it came from.