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Some kid told my son knee pads are for pussies. I told him no, that's 'maxi' pads. And his mother should see a doctor. 
I don't always eat breakfast, but when I do, it's dos eggys.
Wow, that's a nice looking pair of crocs!" - Said by no one. Ever.
Watching "Hitler's Hemorrhoids" on the Military channel......
I had a can of beer last night and on the side it said “Best Drunk Before August, 2012". I've just e-mailed them thanking them for that prestigious award which, of course I graciously accept....
When you mess up a guy's hair, he thinks it's cute, but when you mess up a girl's hair... just hope you're wearing something bulletproof.
No mom, you're mad because you're wrong, not because I'm talking back...
A wise man once told me, women are good for 70 things. Making sandwiches and 69.
Oh look, it's raining outside. I think I'll go on Facebook and update all my friends that don't have a window of their own.
Some relationships are like farts, sooner or latter you gonna have to let it go!
QUESTIONS-I-HATE - Can I see your phone? No its called an iPhone not an usPhone!
I can't sleep knowing that a sexy girl is horny somewhere.
House party couple of doors away, music sounds awesome, wish I could rock up. Takes me back. These days my 4 yr old has mores parties.
I may be dumb, but at least I'm not …wait, what was I talking about?
I love how the internet has improved people's grammar far more then any English teacher has. If you write "your" instead of "you're" in a English class all you get is a red mark.... Mess up on the Internet just once, and may God have mercy on your soul.
Beauty and the Beast is my favorite story that teaches kids that if you're ugly, hold a girl against her will & she'll eventually love you.
Hung like Einstein smart as a horse... Thanks dad.
I was thinking of you today! I also threw up in my mouth a little, but it just might be a coincidence!!!
Bed Bath & Beyond sells like 7 things that people actually buy and then just a bunch of other stuff that's been there since 1998.
Imitation is the sincerest form of crabmeat.
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