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J - July, Jocks in ski masks, Jason, Jaywalkin chicks on cell phones at Camp Crystal Lakes 
Best advice I can give to newlyweds is to buy a really comfortable couch.
"Give It To Me" She Screamed, "I'm getting Wet, Give It To Me Now".... "Screw Off" I replied "This Is My Umbrella"
Vodka is the missionary position of booze.
You spend the first 2 years of their life teaching your kids to walk and talk. Then you spend the next 16 years telling them to sit down and shut-up.
Today feels like a pull the fire alarm kinda day.
Always be nice to the kid who owns the baseball
Wit is far more often a shield than a lance
The main difference between fiction and reality, is that fiction has to make sense.
Warning – Dates in calendars are much closer than they appear.
Sky sports would like to apologise to all subscribers for wrongly advertising they could watch Rangers in 3D…… What they meant to say was you could watch Rangers in D3. :)
Every time I get a birthday card with money in it, I pretend not to notice the money and “read” the card.
Reverse Psychology: If I were you, I wouldn't even bother trying, because you'll probably f*ck it up.
It picks the movie out quickly from the Redbox or it gets the hose again....you stupid b!tch....
Look here Dora....If you ever want to see your monkey friend again you are gonna stick these condoms full of heroin in your ass and get them through customs....
Most important thing I learned today: My Talk to kids/Nice voice sounds INCREDIBLY HOMOSEXUAL
BREAKING: Penn State to keep Paterno statue, but plan to move it into the showers....Or something like that?
Why does your need to pee intensify by a million when you are trying to unlock the door to your house?
It's amazing how alcohol can make you do so many stupid things on your smart phone.
Describing yourself as a "morning person" translates to me that you are a fu$king as$hole.
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