Forget Trump - Funny Status Messages that are not about Trump

   Tired? Cranky ? Feeling like crap .....There's a nap for that .

   they say there is no I in TEAM but there is ME!

   You know it's hot when you open your deoderant and it's sweating.

   They say Time is the best healer- That's why they make you sit and wait for so long in a doctor's office !

   I wonder if the earth teases other planets for having no life.

   Just got my dream Job starts next Monday .. Window cleaner in Amsterdam.,

   Took a career aptitude test. My results: sports team mascot, bridge troll, sign twirler, petting zoo poop scooper..

   Bacon: The Duct Tape of the kitchen... it fixes EVERYTHING!

   I rang Babestation the other night and the woman said "Hi sexy, what can I do for you? I said "Fu*king hide, my wife's coming and ive lost the remote!

   yesterday the ladies celebrated "National No Bra Day." Today the men celebrate "Back To Eye Contact Day" (worst holiday of the year).

   When you're in public and your nuts itch!!

   Must have caught the 'Bieber fever'; Every time I hear about this pr!ck, I feel like puking.

   Water is the most important compound on Earth, because without water we couldn't make coffee or booze.

   Facebook, where people can pretend to be everything they really aren't to the friends they really don't have.

   My inner child just bit me.

   I was sad to lose an arm wrestling match to a woman, but I felt better after I found out she was a man. Then sad again because we had sex.

   Not to brag, but when it comes to "going nowhere fast," I'm breaking every speed record known to man.

   I like to get behind something I totally believe in. I believe I'll have another doggy style.

   Before there was roofies, a caveman would just club a b!tch and take her home. That's why they call the hook up spot "The Club"

   if I screw up things between us, then it probably means that I like you.