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I cooked a live Lobster in the microwave and now I have a giant mutant lobster in my living room demanding to watch The Little Mermaid. 
Every time I see a bottle labeled "personal lubricant" I shudder to think of the public kind.
Filled out the "Are You Depressed?" questionnaire and it turns out I just have mild diabetes and the desire to shoot people in the face.
Huggies now offers a diaper called "Little Swimmers;" which I believe are what actually cause the babies in the 1st place.
I always thought GTFO meant Great, Terrific, Fantastic, & Outstanding... so, I guess all those people weren't paying me compliments after all!
Kill your haters with kindness. Gift wrap explosives.
That scary feeling when you realize your kid is bigger than you
Michael Jackson didn't die. He simply completed his course of plastic surgery in 2009, turned into a young gay white boy & renamed himself Justin Bieber...
Not entirely sure what a "propriate" is, but apparently I'm in it.
A wife tattooed "I LOVE U" on her nipples and showed it to her husband. He replied: "This is ur old habit of Putting Words Into My Mouth! "
Ironically,,, I HATE it, when people say "like us" on Facebook.
When my grandkid loses his 1st tooth, I'm putting $1 under his pillow and a note that says "I'll be back with a hammer for the rest. -Tooth Fairy"
I can get a women very excited just by using my mouth. I say stuff like "shopping..new shoes babies.!!
The imaginary enemy of my enemy is my imaginary friend.
Once I participated in a "Nice Guy" 5K Run..... We all finished last.
Its so hot squirrels are pouring Gatorade on their nuts
Her cup size will determine how long the hug will last!
My Ultra sensitive toothpaste hates it when I use other toothpastes
You know she is a groupie when she has hundreds of George Clooney pictures in her photo albums and only one of her boyfriend.
I can always tell if they use fake dinosaurs in films.
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