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Yahoo: More Americans convinced of climate change after extreme weather.... Ugh no maybe just your liberal writer thinks that. It's called summer, in 6 months the same person will write global warming again because its fcking cold out. 
Why is it all the good ones are taken? Or have taken out restraining orders?
RIP to my hair dryer. It was the only thing to blow me for the last 10 years and never complain.
the glass half full or half empty? Mine is cracked and leaking valuable water.
Your restaurant's policy regarding how the wait staff behaves when it's a customer's birthday tells me whether or not I'll ever eat there again
There needs to be a phone-line to Heaven.....for the one's we miss!!!
As far as I can tell, the only thing ghosts do is set up obstacle courses when I have to get up in the middle of the night to pee
Just because we share the same skin colour does not follow that I am obliged to always support you in every foolish and idiotic thing you say or do.
My parents accused me of being a liar today! All I said was ''Santa Claus'' ''Easter Bunny'' '' Tooth Fairy'' and walked away. Shut them Up!!!
I don't always drive the speed limit. But when I do, there's drugs in my car.
Finally met the new neighbor. An uncanny resemblance to Satan!! Maybe that's why it's been so hot...
I wish we could "Hand Pick" who gets knocked off line on Monday!!!
My feelings are torn regarding the spork. On one hand, it's pretty cool. On the other...it's kind of a showoff.
Just witnessed my dog catch fire while "draggin' ass" on our dead lawn.
Back in my day we didn't have no hookah bar!!!! We roll blunts
How are we supposed to cure cancer when we can't even find a cure for country music.
Just think,,, 20 years ago my television set weighed 350lbs.. And my wife weighed 105lbs ...
Oh-NO !! There's BLOOD in the toilet,,,,,,, I can't remember, is it “Red stool at night,, colon's delight. Red stool at morning,, bowels take warning.” Or the other way around???
The Ten Commandments would be way more awesome if they just changed the first one to "Yahweh or the Highway."
I'd kiss you right now but my breath would make you instantly drunk!
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