Forget Trump - Funny Status Messages that are not about Trump

   I was seeing a therapist for trust issues, but I had to quit going when I found out he was seeing other patients.

   This one time my date was really ugly but I was horny so I roofied both our drinks :/

   Give a man a fish and he can eat for a day. Give a women a Facebook account and she can complain about self inflicted drama and fill up your newsfeed.

   I have a feeling his life would have gone in a different direction had his name been Kanye East.

   There are so many things in life I still need to lick.

   I dont wanna masturbate tonight so please, nobody mentions Betty White to me.

   A woman is a fantastic substitute for masturbation.

   I helped my neighbor move a super heavy couch last night and he didn't even thank me. That's ok, his wife thanked me on it today. Twice.

   Got some Flip Flops at the dollar store, actually they're Flop Flips and they only make the slappie sound if you're backing up...but hey...$1. Yay!!!

   Never buy a used phone. I mean idk about you but I usually take my phone with me when I'm taking a sh!t

   Bees.. Bees.. the musical fruit, the more you eat,,,,, the more you get stung in your mouth and throat by bees

   I made some urgent upgrades to your computer. Did you know it had NO maple syrup in it before? Guess how much maple syrup it has now?... LOTS.

   My favorite kinds of lists,,,,, # 1: short lists

   "That's the power of German engineering" is a great slogan for your product if you're selling fear

   Barack Obama's in training for a second term of office. He says if he's elected President he will also consider hunting vampires.

   There are so many scams on the Internet now... Send me $19.95 and I will tell you how to avoid them.

   Having alcohol by yourself at home is considered a problem, but social drinking is acceptable. So whenever I open a mason jar of moonshine, I always log on to Facebook.

   Skills can be taught. Character you either have or you don't have.

   Never judge a book by it's cover. The old, wrinkly ones are often the best.

   Conversations are the window to the brain.