Forget Trump - Funny Status Messages that are not about Trump

   Magic trick: Take your age, subtract three, now add three. That's your age.

   Life is like p0rn. Much better when people stop talking.

   Somedays, all I wanna do is eat and masturbate.

   Remember, there can be only one interesting person per relationship.

   'Spread the joy' is an excellent way to ask someone to open their legs.

   I drink coffee to get up, and beer to get down.

   That rose tattoo on your ass was SO hot when you were 19. Now it looks like red cabbage

   One mans trash, is another mans daughter.

   As I sit next to you imagining my manly hands wrapped around your cheating neck, I'm suddently reminded that I don't even know your name.

   Did you hear about the dyslexic pimp? He bought a warehouse.

   there is a guy jerking 0ff in the car next to me. I bet he is my friend on Facebook. .

   This is the real me. Full of problems. Full of love. Full of lost. Full of hurt. Full of life. Full of hope. Full of happiness. Most of all.....Full of friends.

   I get my revenge by sneaking into ladies public toilets at night and lifting all the toilet seats up.

   Still in my Y2K bunker. Have they given the all clear yet? Running out of beans.

   Probably the worst time to be an Arab is when you get caught with a bomb in your backpack at the airport.

   Don't worry ladies - I wear condoms on my fingers when I upd@te my st@tus so you won't get pregnant.

   When my dog is acting up, I point at North Korea on the map as I walk into the kitchen. I'm like the Dog Whisperer but not g@y.

   Having sex while you are watching a p0rno does not count as 0rgy.

   I can turn wine into a one night stand. Your move Jesus.

   Pretty sure the founders didn't intend for the 4th of July to be on a Wednesday.Thanks a lot Obama.........