Forget Trump - Funny Status Messages that are not about Trump

   The people who need firecracker safety tips aren't the people who read firecracker safety tips.

   "I know,, Let's tape a spider to a lobster and scare the crap out of everyone." -- God, when He made scorpions

   never on schedule, but always on time. Ah the old days.

   FYI : The "Supreme Court" is just the "regular court",, served with sour cream and tomatoes

   Got asked by this girl today if I wanted to make a sex tape with her. I told her yeah but we'd have to do it in infrared since nightvision was taken. I'll be in Hollywood in no time!

   Remember - its not how you pick the boogers, its where you put them that matters.

   Nothing screws up your Friday more than realizing it's only Tuesday.

   R.I.P. Andy Griffith..........There's a new sheriff in town!

   Only God can judge me, and my neighbors. And my friends. And Family. And random drivers while I lip sync "Call me Maybe" while on the Interstate.

   I slept like a baby last night! (I woke up crying because I was hungry)

   Men have "The Man Cave", but, when polled what the female version should be called the #1 answer was "The Maxie Pad" with "The Kitchen" and "The Laundry Room" coming in 2nd and 3rd respectively

   4th of July on a Wednesday? That's so Ghetto...

   It would be kind if some people performed random acts of silence.

   I like to rock out with my clock out, so I don't stay out too late.

   Rest in Peace Sheriff Taylor.. You will be remembered and loved.

   BBC News - "Wettest June since records began"I blame that 'fifty shades of grey' book.

   "Because snakes and sparklers are the only ones I like..."

   The only thing worse than a broken heart is a heart that has never known love.

   Give me a big tub of popcorn and I could watch women try to parallel park all day long.

   Men do what they want and skip the rest. They're straightforward. If he doesn't call, he doesn't want to talk. If he calls, he's horny.