Forget Trump - Funny Status Messages that are not about Trump

   Veni, vidi, vici- I came I saw I conquered ~~ Julius Caesar. Vidi, Vici, Veni - I saw, I conquered, I came! ~~ Some single dude

   I'm not addicted to cigarettes. I can stop smoking any time……… I have no money.

   Taco Bell is donating burritos to feed firefighters in Colorado. Talk about putting gas on the fire,

   If you run around a tree doing 87km/h there is a possibility of fu*king yourself

   CNN is reporting that the man who attacked and ate the others mans face was cause by cannibals and not bath salts. That's like saying being a vegan will give you diabetes

   How do you tell if you've lost an argument on Facebook? Well first you're are in an argument on Facebook.

   Yard Work.....there's nothing like a well trimmed bush.

   I have no tattoos, no piercings. I'm just a big, blank canvas of crazy.

   I have come to the conclusion that dryer lint is the cremated remains of all my missing socks.

   How the heck does one cup of coffee equal one gallon of pee!?!?

   I don't always wear boxers, but when I do it's brief.

   I'm not an alcoholic. I can stop drinking any time I've got no money.

   My boss texted me, "Send me one of your funny jokes." I replied, "I'm working at the moment, I will send you one later." He replied, "That was fantastic, send me another one."

   I like to lay down after sex, stroking her hair and whispering into her ear. "Why are you still here?"

   The new film Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter looks quite good. I think I'll wait for the sequel, Bill Clinton: Lady Killer.

   The best way to spread the most news in the least time is to disguise it as a secret.

   A drunk man's reasoning; "What the hell, she's only ugly in the face"

   Honesty is free and makes you feel good!

   Thinking about standing outside "Magic Mike" showings with sign that reads, "Displaced Exotic Dancer: Homeless" early retirement, here I come!

   i'm really good at walking along, minding my own business and then having something happen