Forget Trump - Funny Status Messages that are not about Trump

   There are worse things than being far away from the one you love, like sleeping next to someone you don't.

   Love is me pooping while she brushes her teeth, and when she starts to leave I say "but wait, there's more" and splash another log. We laugh

   Hot enough for ya?!  ( YES )  ( NO )  (touch screen to answer!!!)

   Grandma needs a pair of underpants that will support her breasts.

   This tag on my panties has been tickling my ass all morning, I was gonna cut it off but I'm lonely

   "Did you cum?" - why is it when I say it I sound apologetic but when she says it she sounds accusatory?

   Does this birthday suit make me look fat?

   My milkshake never brings anyone to the yard, because I drink it on my own.

   My wife is a psycho, this p0st isn't a joke its a cry for help.

   Guys with tattoos on their face cry the loudest.

   My demographic doesn't include folks unfamiliar with the word demographic.

   Trying to write a screenplay about an overcrowded cemetery but there's no plot.

   Christianity should not be cover for Douchebaggery.

   remembering all those flashbacks from before

   Veni, Vidi, Vizzini... I came, I saw, INCONCEIVABLE!

   Dont you hate when ppl call you on house phone and ask where you @ and hold you hostage on the phone

   I was just about to poach an elephant the other day, when I suddenly thought to myself, "I'm gonna need a bigger saucepan."

   In America, dating for men is a chore, for women it's a choice.

   When the government fears the people, it's called Liberty. When the people fear the government, it's called Tyranny.

   Dear Leviticus 19:27,..........Nobody cares.