Forget Trump - Funny Status Messages that are not about Trump

   Make little things count.....Teach midgets math.

   Have you seen the latest stripper poll. 87% of them are skanks...

   A smart man will buy his wife the finest china, so she won't trust him to touch it.

   How about adding "Be a nice person" to your bucket list. Any as*hole can jump out of a plane.

   I hope there comes a day when cancer is just a zodiac sign

   Supplies! -Asian surprise party

   To overcome my gambling addiction my therapist advised me to Google it. It's hard to look past the "I'm Feeling Lucky" button though.

   I am going to go stand outside. If anyone asks, you can just tell them I'm outstanding

   Hey feminists, 70% of a penny for your thoughts?

   I just finished writing a book on monkeys... I DON'T recommend buying it though,,,,, monkeys make a TERRIBLE writing surface.

   I've been trying to improve some vegan recipes,, but so far all I've come up with is "add steak."

   My favorite Chinese place has the best peepee Coke and pupu platter

   Say NO to the Bathroom Duckface & Quacker Lips photo epidemic.

   I'm gonna open a restaurant down in the Old-Port for singles - You'll just bring your own chinese food,, and for a small fee,,, I'll provide the sink for you to eat it over.

   I'm not religious, but I love God.

   The difference between an oral thermometer and a rectal thermometer is in the taste.

   I'm at the point in my life where I can do what I want, when I want to do it and without answering to anyone. I call that point divorce.

   Changing your name in Illinois only costs $100? Well slap my face and call me Lazer ThunderQueef!

   Heard the guy trying on skinny jeans & telling the assistant he's married. Not sure why he got offended when I asked "who's the lucky guy?"

   I'm going to tattoo "Religion" on my d!ck, and force it down peoples throat and see how THEY like it!