Forget Trump - Funny Status Messages that are not about Trump

   I informed the police that my wife had been missing for two weeks and they wanted to know why I hadn't reported it sooner. I only realised when I'd run out of clean shirts

   My girlfriend said she wanted to take me to see Magic Mike, I was really excited until I realized she was not talking about my drug dealer from college..

   The neighbors said we could use their hot tub so I'm deep-frying a deer.

   I replied "maybe" to your facebook event out of respect for the inherent uncertainty of life's journey.

   I keep a frisbee in my truck just in case I get attacked by Phish fans.

   The battery to my car remote died and I had to manually open my door like some parachute pants wearing break dancer from the dang 80's.

   Drunks arguing over music will probably be one of the rooms in hell.

   "Congratulations! You have won $250.00 dollars worth of shopping vouchers or a night at an Elvis Presley tribute act. To claim your prize,press 1 for the money, 2 for the show..."

   "This town ain't big enough for the two of us." said someone who was terrible at both english and geography......

   Our constantly changing mother earth....The original bi-polar.

   I had 3 mouthfuls of aerosol whip cream & 2 diet Pepsi's for supper if anyone's looking for an executive chef.

   If the fate of humanity ever rests on me filling out an online survey, we're pretty much doomed.

   I always look around the bar to see what level of women are there before I decide what level of drunk I have to become.

   For the love of God, ASK me, don't AXE me!

   A woman will watch the game with you. The perfect woman will watch it on top of you.

   Spice Girls reunite?!?! We have to ask... Which one would you bang?

   The PT Cruiser is probably the most expensive form of birth control.

   The worst thing ever = that moment during an argument when you realize you're wrong.

   I have this weird fetish where I like to sleep with attractive and smart women...

   Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.