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Dog's Facebook status: Tried to save the master from the vacuum cleaner today… He just yelled at me. 
jdpower: Making girls who aren't like that.. like that.
Just remember - there's no 'I' in gangbang
Dont make fun of fat kids... they have enough on their plate.
I said to my GF "Please get me a newspaper." "Don't be silly," she replied "you can borrow my iPad." That spider never knew what hit it!
What I just did to that bathroom was so tragic, that when I walked out a Native American looked at me... and a single tear rolled down his cheek.
why is it the guy who has to pass you, suddenly acts like an 80yr old looking for an address when he's in front of you?
My new 401k is just a pre-loaded gift card for Olde Country Buffet.. "Pretty smart, going with a buffet-style retirement plan" said my Schwab investment advisor.
Just had a monster workout. (Bench pressed with Frankenstein then ran a 5K with an goblin.)
I have never driven over a bridge and not thought it was about to collapse.
Scientists remain baffled as to why the people on the internet really like pictures of cats and cats doing things.
Energy conservation activists would get more attention if they called themselves power rangers.
Girls who marry for money & guys who marry for beauty are equally robbed in the end.
Ladys, can you PLEASE keep your dam toenails clipped, I'm tired of em scratching my dam ears!
I drink in front of plants when I haven't watered them in weeks so I can maintain dominance.
I don't always like to stroke a cat, but when I do it's always a pu$$y.
Right after I shouted "No more Mr. Nice Guy" I found myself helping the neighbors clean out their garage. Something went terribly wrong.
I hate mosquitoes, they're like nature's version of a Jehovah's Witness..........
I hate finding out I'm arguing with someone who actually knows what they're talking about.
My back is sore like I had a night of awesome sex, my b0ner reminds me I didn't.
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