Forget Trump - Funny Status Messages that are not about Trump

   No guy in the history of America has ordered a Smirnoff Ice at a bar without hating himself a little.

   I was driving on the freeway and I saw a hitch hiker holding a sign that said 'heaven,' so I hit him he seemed like a nice guy, so he probably made it.

   After twelve years of therapy my psychiatrist said something that brought tears to my eyes. He said, 'No hablo ingles.'

   Do Canadians call regular bacon "American Ham"?

   Just heard about a new hangover cure -- Not drinking the night before. Does this work?

   I'm Canadian and bacon is called bacon .

   I'm trying to be kind to fat people because they have enough on their plate...

   In Canada, Canadian Bacon is called ham...

   You know in China, they just call it Food.

   Like if you remember the "yellow isle" at the local grocery store.

   Out of all the lies I've ever told, "Just kidding" is my favourite.

   I am like an unborn child, sometimes all I need is a push

   3 kinds of women:- Some remain single and make wonders happen. Some have boyfriends and see wonders happen. The rest get married and wonder what happened.

   When I was a boy my Momma would send me down to the corner store with a $1 and i'd come back with 2 loafs of bread, 3 bottles of milk, a block of cheese, a box of tea, 6 eggs and 5 potatoes. You can't do that now , too many feckin security cameras.

   "Don't touch me there!" Something I like to yell as I exit the doctors office into the waiting room.

   Spank someone today. You'll both feel better.

   Can Happiness buy money?

   I'm sweating like Jerry Sandusky at a Boy Scout camp.

   Judging by this frying pan that just flew by my head I did something wrong, I can't wait to find out what it is.

   A handsome firefighter just friended me on Facebook. I wish I was gay :(