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Lebron's inner monologue when asked about cavaliers fans: "I want them to resize my ring so I can show it to them in my middle finger" 
*Breathing hard* Today, I finally ran for 1 mile without stopping. STUPID ice cream man just kept driving even though I waved my money in the air...
I bet Abraham Lincoln killing vampires isn't half the movie as my idea about Bill Clinton destroying beavers.
It's so Hot outside I heard that the Taco Bell Chihuahua just put in an a application for Dairy Queen!!!
My wife has just walked out the door with the kids for good because of my addiction to horse racing. In fact, I can see them now - they're all at the gate - and they're off!
decided that for my next career, I'm gonna be a stripper for the blind
It's so hot outside Mayor Bloomberg drove to New Jersey to get a Big Gulp!
I will never let my life be defined by my reactions to what other people think, say or do. Greatness lies just past pettiness.
FYI - If any kids are interested in harassing me on a school bus, or anywhere else for that matter..... I am available. I could use a nice $500,000 long vacation. I'm just saying
No matter how hard you try, you can't baptize cats.
When a woman steals your husband, there is no better revenge than to let her keep him.
A little boy asked his father, "Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?" Father replied, "I don't know son, I'm still paying.
Wife: Let's go out and have some fun tonight. Husband: Okay, but if you get home before I do, leave the hallway light on.
It takes a big man to cry, but it takes a bigger man to laugh at that man.
If I ever get rich, I hope I'm not real mean to poor people, like I am now.
Just caught out my Liver by drinking Water .... !
There are some people we *want* to offend.
Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy and enjoy life!!
When you have someone by the balls their hearts and minds soon follow.
May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house
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