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It funny that when it's black on white, it's a crime. When it it's white on black, it's a hate crime. 
America... Where pizza gets to your house faster than the police.
Just because ur wearing a metal mulisha shirt and ur tatted up doesn't make you a gangster... It means your trying to hard to fit in
If I can just make it one more day without some kid that I've never seen before wishing me a happy father's day this weekend will be a success.
maury... a one man crusade to make fathers day a celebration for all men.
bought a box of condoms tonight..... when I walked in the house my wife asked me" why did you buy a year's supply for?"
happy sperm donor day
hey dad, thanks for using a cheap condom...mom did the rest of the work
Happy Father's Day to all the Dads who went out to get some milk, & actually came back home.
I like when the carpet matches the drapes......and by carpet I mean Shag rug.
the store has close parking spots for "new parents"...if I adopt a 10 yr old, do I get to park there?
I'll know love when I see it. That's why I refuse to get corrective lenses.
Today, I saw a license plate frame "My car, daddy's money" on a battered Chevy Aveo. Daddy had 600 bucks, eh? Calm down, princess.
If it weren't for WebMD I would have never known what symptoms to mimic so I could get all these prescriptions from my doctor.
I hate waking up after a night of drinking to realize I spent a bunch of money on something stupid. Anyway, I'm off to the airport to pick up my Russian mail order bride.
I just snatched your little ray of freaking sunshine and flushed it down the toilet. How ya feeling now?
Friday: YES, ITS THE WEEKEND! *Blink* Monday: WTF just happened?!
I don't like the way water looks at me. I think it's jealous of my relationship with alcohol.
When the zombie apocalypse hits, I know EXACTLY who I'm tripping first.
I'm so hungry right now that Angelina Jolie should adopt me.
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