Forget Trump - Funny Status Messages that are not about Trump

   Spain made over 800 passes in last night's game. The only way England could make that many is if we enter Wayne Rooney on Mastermind.

   Dugout: where baseball players relax between innings Doug-out: where Doug feels comfortable telling others about his sexuality

   I'm here to chew bubble gum and kick some a$$. And looks like I'm all out of bubble gum.

   I pour some Bacon Flavored Bath Salt water on a Roach to see what happens. Cuz Raid and Pest Control are getting expensive! I

   I am willing to promise my kids anything just so they go away for a while. I learned that trick from the government.

   If I had a cooking show, it would be called Do You Smell Something Burning?

   Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes sex drive by 95% - it's called Wedding Cake

   You can always tell if a guy masturbates a lot by looking at his hands. If you look closely, you'll see a wedding ring.

   Pregnancy- The number 1 cause of arranged marriages

   Girl at bar: "I'm the same size I was in college." Me: "Oh, you were a porker back then, too?"

   Relationships are for two people, but some people just don't know how to count...

   Well, it turns out my eye patch is actually something called a "Jock Strap" & suddenly I'm not allowed into the Pirate Party.

   People always ask why I am always so happy, I tell them I start my morning off the same as anyone, a glass of OJ in the am with breakfast- the only differance is the 5th of Vodka I add to mine

   Them gas prices going down like White girls in a college town!

   I want to hold hands and waste friday nights with you while we both getting wasted.

   I can turn any alcohol into vomit. Top that, Jesus.

   I'm a workaholic; I drink at work.

   sad that all it takes is a CAPTCHA to prove you're human these days

   So confused right now, don't know whether to join a gym or buy Photoshop.

   My biggest fear this Sunday is to open my front door and see a kid who I don't know wish me a happy fathers day.