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I want to date a therapist. So I can talk about myself all day and I don't have to pay them to listen. 
Not saying I'm hot but I just set off the smoke alarm in my house. Okay, I burned lunch. Whatever.
I should marry my neighbour. He doesn't live with me, we never speak, and we see each other naked all the time.
They have hookers at the Market now...brb I need some Cantaloupes
If at the end of the day you have the same number of kids you started out with that morning, then you've done your job as a parent.
Her: "Did you download the new Justin Bieber album?" Me: "No...I've got a horrible case of good taste in music."
Fun facebook prank:Upload a blank black picture then tag your darkest black friend ....Have fun ;D
I hate when my girlfriend lets something silly like a restraining order get in between us.
Trying to convince my boss that a dog ate my quarterly report.
Got down from my car to beat up the guy who took my parking space then I realized he's a UFC fighter so I said "does your car need washing?"
Would you like your disappointment on the rocks?
With soaring gas prices and my abnormally sized feet, I am thinking that I will be Yabba-dabba-dooing it to work this week!
am sorry boss, I know I said I'd do that report this morning. But the girl next to me on the train was wearing a short skirt, & I forgot I even had a job.
When Bill Gates feels like a million bucks, he's having a crappy day.
Roses are red, violets are blue. Sugar is sweet, and so are you. But the roses are wilting, the violets are dead. The sugar bowls empty and so is your head.
The cast of 16 & pregnant are the future cast of 32 & grandparents
Tomorrow I am going to dig up and open the time capsule I buried when I was a kid. Cannot wait to see how big my puppy has gotten!
I'd much rather have a sex tapeleak of me leak out, than see a video of me running in flip flops
Why be fake when being real takes no effort at all?
While drinking my afternoon coffee, I oftentimes stare out the window... and ask myself: Would prison be all that bad?
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