Forget Trump - Funny Status Messages that are not about Trump

   We should have pulled out of Afghanistan before we got it pregnant. Now we are gonna be stuck with support payments.

   Sometimes I catch that fleeting glimpse of the beautiful woman my daughter will become. They are usually followed by the urge to buy ammo.

   Guys that say "bros before hoes' don't take gardening as seriously as I do.

   Oh, you've heard that one before? But not from me though.

   Buying everyone at the office an@l beads didn't go over very well .

   I just put a cat & a mouse in a cage and I must say, this is nothing like Tom & Jerry.

   The last time I had sex, I was so excited afterward I fired my musket skyward, alerting the Confederates to our presence.

   Barman says to Paddy, "ur glass is empty, fancy another one?". Paddy looking confused replies, "why the would I want 2 empty glasses?"

   I'm so drunk I speak fluent Ozzy Osbourne.

   My heart goes out to all those Frustrated people who are Stuck in Traffic, on their way to the Gym to ride Stationary Bicycles...

   The first 1500 pictures of your kids were cute, now it's a bit much.

   Damn you hot girls on FaceBook who post "beach day!" pics but 'only share photos with friends'

   It's complicated" is just code for, "I'm willing to cheat."

   i got stoned yesterday, tough crowds in Iran

   That moment when you're having a somewhat serious text with someone and "anything" comes out as "anyTHONG"........damn you, touchscreen.

   Too bad phones don't record smells. I just had something to share with all of you!

   I'm not sure when it happened, but my "to do" list has become my "to do tomorrow" list.

   I watch Looney Tunes before I go to work, because there's something about old school cartoon violence that relaxes me

   It's been a boring day today. Not exactly Nascar boring, but awfully close.

   You don't owe anyone an explanation for who you are.