Forget Trump - Funny Status Messages that are not about Trump

   I didn't want to be that creepy guy, so instead of gawking at the woman at the gym, I licked the sweat off her treadmill.

   "they judge me before they even know me, that's why I'm better off alone" - Shrek

   a Golden Shower the best to show a woman that she's the one? I mean, dogs piss on things to mark THEIR territory, right?

   When LeBron James gets a mosquito bite, he looks around for a ref.

   I think I could be with one woman for the rest of my life if there were no other women on earth.

   Hey guy hitting on my girlfriend, how does imagination feel like?

   Never trust girls who let themselves be touched right away. But even less those who need a priest for approval.

   "Is that a gun in your pocket or are you pleased to see me?" said my late wife.

   It must be really hard to judge a wet t-shirt contest because I saw one recently and all the t-shirts looked equally wet.

   My neighbours have seen me naked more than my future wife ever will.

   Yes, it's Sunday and the weekend is almost over, as time flies when your having fun...I suggest doing something really boring all day long to stretch it out until midnight!

   I saw a squirrel eating a dead squirrel on the way home. So, the bath salt/zombie crisis has now reached the animal kingdom...

   Whenever I see someone calling my phone, I wait and see if they will call 10 times, if they don't, it probably wasn't that important

   classified ad in newfoundland newspaper: for sale one large living room window, only looked through twice.

   I distrust Camels and anyone else who can go 1 week without a drink.

   My doctor recommended I increase the amount of Greens in my diet...so I started drinking more Rolling Rock.

   I suppose I'm a late bloomer. But the way it's going, I'm going to hook up in the nursing home. Somebody water me, PLEASE!

   I told the monster in my closet that coming out of there would make him gay. Problem Solved.

   Did you know that the toothbrush was invented in Alabama???? If it were invented anywhere else they would have named it the teethbrush....

   It's Siri's time off the month again....she's acting mad and wont answer anything