Forget Trump - Funny Status Messages that are not about Trump

   I bet Floyd Mayweather paid the judges

   People who care what everyone thinks--"I don't care what anyone thinks!"

   I thought I saw Keira Knightley laying by the side of the road but it turned out to be a fallen tree branch.

   I have just enough ketchup packets in my desk drawer at work to successfully fake my own death

   You are the only person who will see you wearing your novelty boxer shorts.

   My friend invited me over to play COD and now I'm dressed up in a fish costume. This is not what I was expecting.

   If you can spell Mississippi, you probably live in Mississippi.

   If you cant spell Mississippi, you probably live in Mississippi

   The only time I wouldn't mind being buried alive is if were under a pile of money.

   I don't need to go to a church in order to feel ashamed of my ways on Sunday morning.

   Money can't buy happiness, but it can buy duct tape to shut people up, so what's the difference?

   You don't need reasons to kill people, you need opportunities.

   You're not my typo.

   I found a video of my parents having sex on their computer, I was sickened. But not as sickened as when I got a hard-on.

   I mistakenly had sex with a model. These mannequins are really starting to look real.

   I walk around with a city map so people think I'm a tourist and never bother to ask me anything.

   it after the first or the second rejection that I should start questioning a woman's sexual orientation?

   Chances are you're doing something right now that would make me hate you. Like breathing or talking or existing anywhere near me.

   The only reason I don't lie to people is because I don't want anyone thinking I like them enough to care about not hurting their feelings.

   Women. Can't live with them, can't smell their hair without getting an erecti0n.