Forget Trump - Funny Status Messages that are not about Trump

   The first thing I do before a fight is put my invisible armor on then crawl into a ball and beg for them not to beat m

   When people ask me "How's life?", I sing them the chorus of Akon's Lonely while crying and slowly walk away.

   I need some coffee just to get the energy to make coffee...

   "You gotta have Faith!" -enthusiastic review of a brothel on Yelp.

   "Business in the front, party in the back" would be a terrible slogan for a medical clinic.

   Ghetto Word of the Day: Window “Imma pay my baby mamma her child support. I just don't know window”.

   Choosing a beer from my fridge makes me feel like I'm choosing the right weapon for an epic duel.

   At A yardsale today I bought a Large Minnie Mouse,is that Oxymoronic ? or just gay?

   Million Dollar Idea: Smoke detector with the setting "Just Burnt Food."

   Just in case you needed another reason to hate Kim Kardashian. She just bought Kayne a $750,000 Lambo for his b-day.

   knows if I had a dollar for every time I heard about an evangelist slapping his daughter, I would have a Creflo Dollar.

   Fellaz; there is a way to check out women without them knowing it. Learn it.

   I hate people who wear pajamas to the airport.

   beware of dog...........the cat is fvcking shady as well

   I bet that Magneto guy in X-Men has the best collection of fridge magnets.

   I can easily tell from the quality of your p0sts when some of you have run out of weed.

   If you use the term YOLO, then you are more than likely using these other popular phrases: “Would you like fries with that?” “Welcome to Walmart.” “Yes Officer. You may search my car under the terms of my probation.”

   My daughter ran into the wall, fell, got up, and ran into the same wall. Thank god she's pretty.

   Legal definition of sexual relations in West Virginia... Family reunion.

   I'm single because I'm pretty good at recognizing crazy.