Forget Trump - Funny Status Messages that are not about Trump

   Mexican jokes & black jokes are all the same. Once you heard Juan, you heard Jamal.

   I hear birds chirping. Either I'm up way too late or I've banged my head cartoon style.

   Her: “I'm overweight, my boobs sag, I have wrinkles and my hair is turning gray… Compliment me so I'll feel better.” Him: “There's nothing wrong with your eyesight!”

   The Center for Disease Control released a statement this week that zombies do NOT exist...with the exception of Donatella Versace.

   Just told a girl that she has two centipedes on her face but then I realized it was her drawn on eyebrows.

   Elmer Fudd knew how to deal with a duck face.

   If being drunk before 3pm on a Friday is wrong, I never want to be right.

   *Facebook* How I look in photos I upload: s(•_•)z How I look in photos I'm tagged in: \(•~°)/

   How the hell do ballet dancers spin around so much and not get dizzy? I spin around twice on my seat at work and I vomit in the trash can.

   To give myself a break from being so sexy all the time, I like to sleep 'normal.'

   It seems that table salt does the complete opposite of bath salt. It sure woke this dead ass bologna sammich up! If I could only get the tomato to stop chewing on my lip...

   If you don't carry around empty Dunkin' Donut gift cards to give to cops to get out of tickets, you guys aren't trying hard enough.

   Flinging poo at a monkey in the zoo will get you kicked out, even if the monkey started it.

   I walked into a pet shop this morning and said, "I'll have that cute little kitten over there please." "A present for somebody?" asked the assistant. I said, "Yes, it's my pitbull's birthday."

   When I don't have a good status... you end up wasting your time reading sh*t like this.

   You know before Facebook, I use to call up 435 friends of mine everyday... just to tell them 'how much I hate my work and how much I love getting stoned.'

   Hey alcohol and aspirin companies... Have you two met each other? Team up all ready and make that sh*t happen! Sincerely, Hungover as hell!

   I just woke up pissed off for no reason..... now I know how a woman feels. ;-)

   My stalker just threatened to kill herself if I didn't love her back. It's nice when problems resolve themselves like that.

   Buying your girlfriend tampons is not that hard! Just wait until you have to get your wife 'jumbo diaper afterbirth thingies.'