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My favorite button on Facebook is the one that says “not now.” The world needs more buttons like that. 
My phone number is 1 digit away from a local pizza place. I still take people's orders, because I hate people who can't use a phone properly.
Remember when pressing pause on a VCR used to make everyone on the screen have a seizure?
The lady told me to make myself at home, so I shotgunned a bottle of wine, masturbated then cried myself to sleep. Best job interview ever!
Sexual frustration should recharge phone batteries.
The older you get, the better you are at doing, but the worse you look doing it.
The sign says NO DOGS unless handicap assisted...what are you blind?!!!
I've been watching all this "Jubilee Queen" nonsense with the Queen of England. Seriously, is she ever happy about ANYTHING?? She never smiles and I think the ROYAL Spanks must be too tight!
Write the name of someone you hate on your body every day in permanent marker, so no matter how you die they'll become a suspect..
Butt dialing was a lot harder with rotary phones.
No human being in the history of the world has ever enjoyed hearing about another human being's workout.
I bet a spider has a great "web sight"!!
STEP 1: Sign up for email newsletter STEP 2: Receive email newsletter STEP 3: Delete unread email newsletter for the rest of your life
I smiled today. I'm going to be so sore tomorrow!
The Transit of Venus was by far the best small black dot moving boringly across a large yellow circle I've ever witnessed.
Taco Bell now going Gourmet and offering Chihuahua Rice and Mexican premium Water!
Apparently my cat didnt get that memo that dryers are not the place to crawl into...... hes dead now
There should be a mandatory day on facebook where everyone must turn off their spell-checker so we can weed out the retards.
oh yes, talk dirty to me...whisper sweet nothings in my ear. Tell me how you're gonna bend over that sink and ... wash them damn dishes!
Gas is about $4.25 a gallon and girls still think guys come over just to "chill"
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