Forget Trump - Funny Status Messages that are not about Trump

   Don't you hate it when you brush your tongue then gag from going too far back!!? If no or n/a, please contact me, ASAP. Chics only, please. K thanks.

   Reaching under the couch for something is the closest I'll ever get to yoga

   I just peed double streams. Is this my superpower?

   I see you have a tribal tattoo, I didn't know Douchebag was a tribe.

   I need to quit time-traveling whilst drunk! I can't remember what I did tomorrow.

   Honey, do you remember those days when we first met and you'd wake up and leave for a few days? Those were some GOOD times huh.....right.......hello? What did I say now?

   Whoever said Diamond are a girls best friend........Obviously never bought one a detachable showerhead.

   I'd be more willing to date, if women were less willing to talk.

   Before making your three wishes, make sure your genie has a good command of English. Unrelated: would anyone like to purchase a massive rooster, a bunch of wet, Brazilian cats and a large section of donkey?

   Timex and Tampax should get together and invent something to let guys know its her time of the month.

   Girl's facebook status: I'm done with this sh!t.. Me: Did you wipe?

   My boss reminds me of a caged bird. He comes out flapping and squawking, sh*ts on everything and leaves.

   I've just bought myself a hyena. Finally my jokes will be appreciated.

   A guy with a gun enters a bar. "Who the f*ck had sex with my wife?" he snarled. A voice was heard in the background, "You don't have enough bullets!"

   The second Pop-Tart exists solely to hammer home the self-loathing initiated by the first Pop-Tart.

   When the hostess at the restaurant says "table for 2?" I always like to look surprised and whisper "you can see him too?"

   The best way to make a long story short is to tell it on Twitter.

   trying to act happy when no money falls out of your bday card! :(

   only dead fish go with the flow!

   if you cant afford to go on vacation,u can always drink until you dont know where you are