Forget Trump - Funny Status Messages that are not about Trump

   :If you need to check our astrology signs to see if we are compatible... we are not.

   Reviews are in for Windows 8, looks like it's going to be the best Facebook access device yet.

   To save time on playing board games in my family, dad would take the game out of the box and go directly to the throwing it at the wall part

   it offensive to bring your own chair to someone's apartment?

   The box for my new digital camera says the shutter speed is so fast you can photograph a hummingbird's wings, or a woman with her mouth shut.

   I just spent an hour chasing a rabbit trying to take a picture of it. What has instagram done to me?.

   "Please die please die" - when I see someone I know walking towards me to say Hi

   I wrote a book called "How to pick up girls." Page 1 says "Maybe buy a motorcycle? I dunno?" The rest is just pictures of dudes

   Sometimes I drink water to surprise my liver.

   The experts says "don't stare directly into the sun during the Venus transit". Do we really need to be told that? Also, during the Venus transit, don't forget to breathe.

   Whenever I'm smoking in an open space and someone starts coughing like a b1tch, I throw a teargas canister at them and run.

   My neighbor called the cops because he thought I was screaming in pain when in fact I was just singing in the shower.

   I keep a jar labelled "HIV Virus" in my jacket so when someone tries to fight me, I show it to them and throw it at their feet and run.

   It was all good at the HS reunion party until I laughed too hard my gun fell out of my pocket.

   When somebody tells me to relax, I immediately do.-nobody ever

   I'm sorry, I thought you said you wanted multiple organisms. I'll return the petri dishes back to the lab.

   "LMAO!!" - Magneto, when he was confronted by Iron Man.

   Whenever a woman says "I want to show you something", I always reply "Okay!" in as fast as 0.03475 secs.

   I comb my hair using a fork and start talking about astrology to myself each time I see a Jehovahs Witness walking towards me in a restaurant.

   Why is it a "12-pack" and not a "jury of your beers"?