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Keep your friends close, your enemies closer, aliens not so close, ghosts close, snakes far away, skeletons close, Spiders far away,,, And everything else just in a big pile 
"May your beer always be dry and your women always moist."
Hey, dude who's still lighting fireworks at midnight, nobody would notice a couple of gunshots right now.
I could really use one of those Chris Farley,, 'down by the river',, speeches right about now...
If we learn by our mistakes then I am getting a fantastic education.
The days when men knew how to treat women were the days when women knew their place.
Baracknophobia: A fear of four more years.
The major cause of auto wrecks is a screw loose in the nut behind the wheel.
They say money doesn't buy happiness, so I'm willing to go out of my comfort zone and test out that theory for $100,000,000. I promise to document any frowning while paragliding, jet skiing, driving a Lambo or flying in my G5
WARNING: Unhealthy relationships may cause headaches, stress & a waste of your time. The cure for this is to be single.
Great.! finally a online dating site that meets my needs imtobusy.com
If you really cared you wouldn't ignore my text, neglect my feelings and forget my existence.
PRIVACY NOTICE: Warning - any person and/or institution and/or Agent .... oh hell... If I really gave a sh#t, I/you would not even be on Facebook.
Remember guys, while your checking some other girl out, someone else is checking out your girl. Appreciate what you have, or someone else will.
Kanye West should be coming out with ''Gold Digger'' part 2 anytime now...
I'm sick and tired of Pinterest invading Facebook! you need to stay on your side of the fence, we didn't invite you in our yard! Don't make me turn this into the Hatfield & McCoys!
Remember: One man's trash is another man's girlfriend.
T's Lounge in West Palm Beach, Florida welcomes Octomom, Nadya Suleman July 11th thru 15th for her topless strip show. - from "Us Weekly". Write your own jokes, I'm just warning those of you in Florida about this.
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, you have big titties and a BIG booty! #Distractions
Ladies marry the guy who comes to drop you all the way to your house in his PETROL car with the AC on
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