Forget Trump - Funny Status Messages that are not about Trump

   I'm planning a trip to the Virgin Islands. Trust me.. when I get back, you can just refer to them as the Islands.

   God made us plain and simple, but we have made ourselves complicated and difficult.

   I could wish you the best, but then you already been with me.

   Google where is my girlfriend? I can't find her!

   unwritten rule of the day...avoid eye contact, while eating a banana

   excited my "Spaceballs: The Flamethrower" finally arrived today!

   Well you can kiss Richard Dawson goodbye...R.I.P

   why drink and drive when you can.....drink and watch tv

   Name a dead game show host best known for kissing every woman who appeared on the show. Survey says?

   My dream job would be taking a baseball bat to the knees of anyone parked in a handicapped spot who shouldn't be

   Today is more of a ROF than a ROFL day.

   my mum always told me never to call it quits...but I rebelled so I just gave my son the name "quits"

   I think the only way I'll ever be motivated to go to the gym is if I'm in prison.

   “Oh wow, way better!” -Jedi Knight trying out a gun

   Hired a violent monkey to beat up my enemies. I call him Injurious George.

   No matter how hard you try, you can't mail a fart.

   First thing this morning, there was a tap on my door...... Funny sense of humour my plumber has.

   One advantage of going to sleep drunk: The bed bugs leave you alone.

   Try saying "good luck" without sounding sarcastic..... Good luck.

   I hate it when I forget I'm watching a show on DVR and I accidentally watch all the commercials.