Forget Trump - Funny Status Messages that are not about Trump

   I either need a new dentist or i'm just too far behind in the times. What does my Prostate have to do with oral hygiene???

   If women want to be treated as equals to men, we're going to need to start seeing a lot more deadbeat moms and manizers.

   "Follow me, follow me, follow me, follow me, but don't lose your grip." - Snoop Dogg prophesying the coming of Twitter in 1993.

   The truth shall set you free, but first it will piss you off!!!

   Dear Liver: thank you for being a most gracious and forgiving blood filter. Love, me.

   Revenge is a dish best served without bacon.

   “Get off my balcony!!” — What my neighbor used to say to pigeons. Sometimes to me.

   I fingered you in 8th grade. I don't want to have a 15 minute conversation with you and your husband at Best Buy.

   Zombie Apocalypse? I'd like to give those Zombies a piece of my mind..

   I learned all my fighting moves from mortalkombat basically it's just me jumping and somersaulting until the other person gets tired&leaves

   Best magic trick I ever pulled was making a house a boat and two motorcycles disappear into bag of cocaine.

   Dance like you're naked. And thin. And pretty.

   Cows are a bit like Jesus, the only difference is they turn grass into milk.

   Three Muslims walked into a bar. I thought "Screw this" and left instantly.

   Rudeness is a weak man's imitation of strength.

   I just ate empanadas and listened to old Menudo records. I'm pretty sure that makes me more Puerto Rican than Jennifer Lopez now.

   n't it ironic that crocodiles like water and people who wear Crocs are douchbags? Ok, maybe I don't know what the word ‘ironic' means.

   Facebook seems like the best place to come out of the closet. If it doesn't go over well you can just say you were hacked.

   "Hold me." -Grudges

   Which dwarf is Kristen Stewart playing in this new Snow White movie? Her face makes me think it's Sleepy.