Forget Trump - Funny Status Messages that are not about Trump

   If your friends always ask you to take pictures, are they not also implying you're too damn ugly to be in those pictures?

   I can sponsor a child for $.79 a day, but it costs me $2.99 a minute to chat with my "special friend"! Sorry poor, starving children. Its a tough economy so daddy needs his sexy talk.

   Bath salts side effects include: hallucinations, delusions, erratic behavior, immunity to bullets and being a terrible kisser.

   Are we running out of chickens to eat? Another student found eating brains and heart cops says!

   I don't care what you listened to on spotify.

   "You have the cutest little baby back rib face." The last thing you want to hear in Florida.

   Random Fact: Girls don't CARRY condoms in their wallets like men do... Instead, they HIDE them under the powder in their compacts. "LIKE" if you know this to be true.

   Ever read the nutrition facts on a bottle of water??? It does nothing for you people!!

   I'm hungry, and the only thing around is this guys face next to me.

   How long will it take our government to have a zombie vaccination

   I found a butterfly on the ground that had no wings. So, I poured some RedBull on it and BAM... it drowned.

   If I'm on a date & its bad, I'm just gonna stand up & say "I'm an actor, they're all actors & you're on MTV's Disaster Date!" & run out.....

   When I'm inevitably brought to justice for my crimes against humanity I hope I'm found "incredibly" guilty and not just "regular" guilty.

   Damn you, books on shelves that don't activate a secret door.

   If I can't identify an animal I spray it with water because there's always that chance it could be a gremlin

   I wouldn't necessarily classify myself as a hater. I'm more like a rational critic of rampant idiocy.

   You can say 'strawberry blonde' all you want. I know a fu*king ginger when I see one.

   I don't sweat the small stuff. I let it fill me with rage. Then I drink. Then I sweat alcohol. It's like the circle of life.

   I bet it gets super awkward when hand models ask for jobs.

   Immature: A word used by boring people to describe fun people.