Forget Trump - Funny Status Messages that are not about Trump

   The only thing preventing me from smashing my alarm clock at 6am is the fact that it's my cellphone

   "Once you go black, you never go back!" I shouted as I threw my 3 week old bananas in the trash.....

   The morbidly obese make the best roll models.

   Gym, tan, listen to tiesto's club life

   Sleep with a girl with a spray tan? No thanks. I'll just stick my d$ck into a bag of Cheetos.

   You're too cute to be single." and you're too ugly to be flirting with me.

   50 Shades of Grey is stupid. They made the movie before the book. It's called porn... and thanks to the internet, it's free.

   They say that the first sign of alcoholism is drinking alone. I have a dog, so I don't have to worry about that.

   Did you know the toothbrush was invented in Kentucky? If it was invented anywhere else, it woulda been called a "teethbrush."

   Do you realize that a woman's "I'll be ready in five minutes." and a guy's " I'll be home in five minutes." are exactly the same

   this just in.... apparently the reason why bieber assaulted the cameraman is because he was taking pictures of his camel toe.

   All this talk about zombies is making me very hungry..

   Its not you I'm rejecting Its my heart I'm protecting

   Why are we still testing on animals when there are pedophiles in prison?

   You know, when you think about it, based on her color and size Snookie would make a great buoy.

   All this news about Zombies you better go get your Zombie vaccinations..

   Breaking news the 5th Dentist caved and now 5 out 5 recommend trident gum!!!!!!!!

   how do you make 5 lbs of fat look good? Put a nipple on it!

   I don't get why women spend so much money on sunglasses...it would be way cheaper just tinting the kitchen window

   In a lesbian relationship who makes the sandwich? Neither they both eat out.