Forget Trump - Funny Status Messages that are not about Trump

   If you're reading this and you're under 12 years old... Don't grow up, it's a f*cking trap.

   I stole this status... So feel free to use it and amaze your friends... They'll think you're really smart and sh*t!

   A spider the size of a golf ball is in my kitchen so I guess this is my last Sta

   Don't know what I'd do with my life if Facebook didn't notify me that my hundreds of friends changed their profile picture every 5 minutes.

   My wife was absolutely furious when she discovered I had untagged myself from some photos she put on Facebook. I said, "They were really embarrassing!" "Embarrassing???" She screamed, "It was our f*cking wedding day you b@stard!"

   There's something about you I don't like, but I can't seem to put my middle finger on it.

   Women, not all guys talk to you just because they want to get in your pants... Sometimes they want to get in your friend's pants.

   Before I get into the shower at the gym I yell "Hey Fag!" If any one turns around I leave.

   Women are like steaks. They should be a little thick,really juicy and eaten at least once a week

   Makeup? Nowadays, it's more like cake-up.

   I just told my brother he was adopted, his response was, "At least they picked me"

   When push comes to shove, when the going gets tough, when all hell breaks loose and the sh*t hits the fan, and when all else has failed, it is I who will recite old movie quotes while waiting for somebody to do something useful.

   Fortunately women have the miraculous ability to change the meaning of their actions after the event.

   I'm an Axe murderer. I'll murder anyone wearing or purchasing Axe body spray.

   If I were a bathroom tile salesmen,my pitch would be:"Think how great this will look in the background of your social network pics..."

   Does anyone else feel that the only reason to drink coffee is so you are awake enough to go shopping at the liquor store or is it just me?

   If I'm ever in a horror movie, most of the scenes will be me changing my pants.

   Guy walks into a bookshop ....... ''Do you have the new book out for men with short pen!s's? cant remember the title'' ''Im not sure if its in yet'' ''Thats the one, i'll take a copy

   Justin Bieber charged w/ battering a photographer. Chris Brown & F. Mayweather said they would've handled it for him, but it wasn't a woman.

   Don't underestimate me, That's my family's job.