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there an instrument called the didgeridon't? Because there should be. 
The best thing about alcohol hand gel in hospitals isn't the hygiene, but that everyone walks around like they're hatching a dastardly plan.
Don't you think it's time we start referring to flat screen TVs, simply as TVs?
Truth, Justice and emptybeercan way!
“q”, “p”, “b” and “d” are the same letter, but with a different angle.
It's like the movie groundhog day seeing all the same jokes over...and over....and over.
if she ask "Does this make me look fat", if it does make her look fat, then the best answer is "Nah, it doesn't make you look fat, it just doesn't promote your shape well!"
Mike Tyson trained Justin Bieber.......No Punchline needed there
Would any respectable man tell ANYONE that he was roughed up by Justin Bieber?
HEADLINE: Justin Bieber wanted for questioning after he allegedly assaulted a paparrazi. Maybe they just want to talk to Beiber as a witness. It was probably Selena Gomez that hit the guy!
Facebook stock continues to lose value, in fact it's so bad, hundreds of farmville farms are going into foreclosure.
Be careful who you decide to take for granted, because once they find better, they are NOT coming back to your regretful ass.
Things a pedophiles might say: On a scale of 1-10.... how old are you?
I got off with this Thai lady last night........ She had an 8 inch clit0ris...
I was chatting up a chick online earlier. She said, "I'm curvy, voluptuous and cuddly". I said, "and I'm not that stupid, fatty".
Binoculars have to be the worst gift you can buy for a cyclops.
"Mirror, mirror on the the wall, who's the most expressionless one of them all?" --how I imagine this Kristen Stewart Snow White movie going
Most of my longest relationships have been with deep dish pizzas.
Oral sex is a beautiful way to say good night.
You're telling me things I want to hear, but you're not showing me the things I want to see. - said the golddigger
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