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If anyone secretly videotaped me yesterday go to 5:22:16. It's me trying to put on jeans after a massage 
HIM: “"Promise you'll love me forever." HER: “WTF?!? I don't even love you now.”
The conversation between your fingers and someone else's skin is the most magnificent discussion you can ever have.
Religious people believe because it makes them feel better; but thankfully there's booze for that.
A childhood of Disney movies has left me sorely disappointed in the lack of spontaneous musical numbers in my life...
Jons Memorial Day Advice. Don't forget! • Burgers • Beer • Sun screen • Toothpaste • Cheese • Hot dog buns • 9/11 • The Alamo • Dre
Starting tomorrow, every place I visit, I'm going to speak exclusively in double negatives. I'd do it today, but I'm not going nowhere.
I need a bigger grill. And I'm not talking about the gold bubba teeth.
Hey bartender, that piña colada you just made taste like SPF 40!
"Hey, can you spot me, bro?" - Waldo.......at the gym.
Metta World Peace, a.k.a. Ron Artest, just wished everyone a Happy Labor Day on Twitter...........................
I'm currently writing a book about my love of dogs and gardening. It's called b*tches and hoes.
Party ٩(-̮̮̃-̃)۶ at my __̴ı̴̴̡̡̡ ̡͌l̡̡̡ ̡͌l̡*̡̡ ̴̡ı̴̴̡ ̡̡͡|̲̲̲͡͡͡ ̲▫̲͡ ̲̲̲͡͡π̲̲͡͡ ̲̲͡▫̲̲͡͡ ̲|̡......
Remember the days when you could push your friend in the pool and not worry if they had a cellphone in their pocket? Good times...
Hardest job in the world: Police sketch artist in China.
Oh, he didn't reply to your text message and it's been 2 minutes? You should probably resend that.
Sometimes I see people and think, "Is your face supposed to be like that?"
Facebook says we're 'friends' ,but trust me, I wouldn't hesitate to kick you in the teeth.
I don't know what the key to success is, but the key to failure is trying to please everyone.
If my love, honesty, and loyalty aren't good enough for you...the guy in line behind you would love for you to move on.
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