Forget Trump - Funny Status Messages that are not about Trump

   My girl says she doesn't want me j@rking off in the shower anymore. I told her its my d!ck and I'll wash it as fast as I want to.

   You stopped serving breakfast at 10:30!?! Seriously? Who gets here by 10:30? What am I, a fn farmer?

   Here's to the women who love me terribly, May they soon improve.

   I'm pretty sure the way my brother just depicted Oprah in Draw Something should be considered nothing short of a hate crime.

   Well, I've been watching this show for years and in still waiting for these guys to bust the myth about 'Once you go black, you never go back'

   Have you ever seen the Cookie Monsters feet? No. thats diabetes for you.

   seriously thinking about opening a midget strip club with a midget stripper pole and all

   What the f needed cutting so urgently that people were running with scissors in the first place?

   Ladies... After a BJ, if your makeup doesn't look like The Joker's, you half-a55ed it.

   Chess says everything about men and women. The King has to take things one step at a time, while the Queen can do whatever the hell she wants.

   Women like foreign accents my ass… I've been talking like Marvin the Martian all night and haven't gotten one single phone number.

   Checked out Instagram. It's mostly pics of what people had for dinner. I didn't want to feel left out so I took a pic of the sh!t I just took.

   I'm sorry I upset you. I'll try not to be right next time.

   I wish I had a nickel for every time I wanted to sell weed.

   If even a fraction of you women were as slutty as you pretend to be here, there'd be a lot less men talking about what they do to socks.

   When I turn up the car radio, that's a sign to shut up… not talk louder and ruin the song.

   When I see a guy tweeting nothing but sweet quotes for women, I feel bad for him. It has to suck never having a girlfriend.

   I just drank a whole pot of coffee and now I can stutter in sign language.

   When I'm at the bar, I buy women drinks based on how high their heels are just so I'll have something to laugh at later when they're drunk.

   I bought some skinny jeans… but they're 2 sizes too big, so I just call them jeans.