Forget Trump - Funny Status Messages that are not about Trump

   When I was little I didn't care about things like what to wear, my parents dressed me. Looking back at some of my old pictures, it's obvious that my parents didn't care either.

   If you're looking to work 2 hours a day, 3 days a week for about $1000 a week please contact me!!! We can look for it together.

   White chicks will make themselves deep throatt the dikk, black chicks get to a certain limit like "I can't do this"

   I am inventing a paint that is the same color and texture as bug guts because I don't like to wash my truck...

   My buddy just told me that I jump every time my girlfriend says jump. That's just stupid, I'm white and everyone knows white men can't jump.

   I wish the first rule of Christianity was exactly the same as the first rule of Fight Club.

   The best revenge for your EX, is inviting them to your wedding :)

   I have give myself a pat on the back. I've been workin' with Ms. Know-it-all for almost two years... and she is still breathin'. :)

   I reviewed the statistics, crunched some numbers and calculated the risk and discovered that the chances of me get ran over while sitting on my couch are far less than they are when I am jogging. I must be lazy for my wellbeing.......

   I'm back in the HR office today, apparently "Kill myself" was not an appropriate response when by boss asked me, "What would you do if you were me?"

   I'm not exactly sure what my doctor gave me, but I've decided I like being sick. The walls keep waving at me and saying very complimentary things. It's kinda awesome and I never want to get better.

   My girlfriend might not be the sharpest girl around. I accidentally left my phone at her house last night. I went back over to get it and saw she had texted me 5 times telling me I forgot it.

   Every woman needs find someone who will ruin her lipstick instead of her mascara.

   They don't want to learn they just want to be right!

   Hey dumb ass. Not every thing I post pertains to you. Just the stuff that starts with, Hey dumb ass.

   Lost a friend. Apparently when asked what I would do if I was him, you don't respond "Go home and have sex with my hot sexy wife" isn't good when he is already upset with you

   The first word I want to teach my kid is "brains." Until he/she learns another word, I'll have the cutest little zombie ever!

   Anything you say in a small town can and will be used against you.

   Interesting,,,,, All those years, no one has ever questioned Bob Barker's choice of microphones.

   Note to self: Don't taunt the neighbor's bull dog while wearing flip flops.