Forget Trump - Funny Status Messages that are not about Trump

   LIFE TIP: Next time you do something illegal, look serious and carry a clipboard.

   I'm not saying she's a slut... but she's been licked more times than Wonka's Everlasting Gobstopper.

   Best friends have Conversations impossible to understand by other people…

   Don't ever forget the 'L' if you ever Google, 'Grandfather Clock.'

   BREAKING NEWS: President Obama just announced the NEW' American Jobs Act which Is being redefined for unemployment Americans, they will now be classifies as "people with earning disabilities."

   In case I die, please update my status as "no more copy and paste". My password is ********** Thanks

   I knocked down a poop splatter on the toilet wall with my stream... top that!!!

   laughing cow cheese...i wonder what grass those cows eat to laugh so much

   If your not over your EX then don't move on Cause you playing with someone else feelings!

   We all have that one person we would take back in a second, no matter how much they hurt us in the past.

   You can't see your next if you're too busy looking at your Ex.

   The older and fatter I get the more my underwear makes me feel like a dolphin trapped in a tuna net.

   My wifi doesn't have a password because I have unlimited Internet so I don't give a s@#t.

   : I've named my penis 'Attention' because we all know how much women love fcuking attention.

   Ya know, I am one for advancements in technology but honestly all this stuff that has been coming out lately is like a freaking stalker's wet dream!

   Someone talking on his Smart phone while driving his Smart car got into an accident with a truck.....this was very oxymoronic .

   The very existence of flamethrowers proves that sometime, somewhere, someone said to themselves,"You know, I want to set those people over there on fire, but I'm just not close enough to get the job done."

   My dog was starting to take my love for granted so I made her watch one of those really depressing ASPCA animal abuse awareness commercials. This morning she washed my truck and took out the trash.

   "Eighty-seven percent of people think lasers are friggin' awesome." - Pew Pew Pew Research Center

   My mind not only wanders, sometimes it leaves completely.