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Everyone should believe in something. I believe I will have another beer. 
"Shall I compare thee to a summer's day?" is a fancy way of saying "You look hot!"
Texting + Facebook = Textbook.. so I'm studying right?
A Prius tried to race me from a stop sign the other day. I totally had it for the first 100 feet, but I can only walk so fast.
Don't call them hobos. Call them "people with earning disabilities."
My bucket list: 4 drumsticks, 2 thighs, 2 mashed potatoes with gravy, and 2 biscuits. Extra crispy...
Uranus is a gas planet.
Dear Curiosity, Just put the gun down and let's talk this out. Sincerely, The Cat.
You don't appreciate a lot of stuff in school until you get older. Little things like being spanked every day by a middle-aged woman: Stuff you pay good money for in later life.
Wife: My gynocolagist says I can't have sex for two weeks. Husband: What did your dentist say?
An omelet made terribly, is, at its worst, very good scrambled eggs.
I've been trying to throw away this trash can for the past 2 months & the garbage men just keep leaving it on the sidewalk.
Midwife - People helping people get people out of people.
"When the hell did I say all that?" -Simon
During exams, students look up for inspiration, down in desperation, and left and right for information.
Whoever said "money doesn't grow on trees" has obviously never sold weed
Crayola coming out with a new color Oompa Loompa in honor of Jersey Shore and Willy Wonka
Don't get confused between my personality & my attitude. My personality is who I am, my attitude depends on who you are
While using a public toilet I use the first pieces TP to cover the automatic flusher sensor because its just annoying until I'm finished.
Those guys with "I Love My Wife" bumper stickers definitely been caught cheating
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