Forget Trump - Funny Status Messages that are not about Trump

   My computer just told me that "hgsfdahgdf.jpg" already exists... WHAT THE F*CK... I'm buying a lottery ticket.

   Yesterday my coworker gave me the finger but today we're cool... this morning he high 4'd me.

   I spent most of the weekend interacting with real friends instead of being on Facebook. It was a horrible decision.

   Distance is the biggest co*kblocker of them all.

   Half eaten Swiss Cake Rolls taste twice as delicious when snatched from the desperate grip of a small child.

   Wake up!” Me: (~_~) (-_-) (o_-) (-_o) (>_<) (o_O) (o_o)

   FACT: No chick has ever been laid in the back of a PT cruiser . Look it up on Wikipedia.

   Everybody hates that as$hole that takes 5 minutes to back into a parking spot.

   about 3 twinkies away from being sawed out of my bedroom ...nom nom nom

   The only time I ever drink ginger ale is on a plane. WTF is up with that?

   If there was an award for most pessimistic, I probably wouldn't even be nominated.

   "Stoned to Death" sounds way more fun than it actually is.

   Groupon's slogan should be: "Nothing you want but at least your inbox isn't empty!"

   It's a shame that most things aren't pies. More things should be pies.

   It's thundering so hard outside right now that it sounds like Rick Ross & Precious are wrestling.

   Facebook stock down 4.20 today... coincidence?

   I insisted that my girl accompany me on a fishing trip. That opened up a new can of worms.

   It's all fun and games until somebody loses an eye. Then it's a life of piracy on the high seas.

   My best childhood memory was falling asleep on the couch and waking up in bed thinking.. "Wow, I can teleport".

   My wife was admitted to the hospital last night. She's in the Expensive Care Unit.