Forget Trump - Funny Status Messages that are not about Trump

   Glad the Facebook IPO finally gave Zuckerburg enough money to buy...sorry! I meant find, the mail order bride he always wanted.

   she offered her honor. he honored her offer. and all through the night, it was on honor and offer.

   Go down a waterslide when it isn't wet and then you'll understand the importance of foreplay.

   My wife said she would jump in front of a bullet for me. I got my gun out. She is such a liar.

   roses are red, violets are blue, as a matter of fact the best films are too!

   "Latin , Latin smooth as satin que hora es it's Latin time!!"

   People who are offended by offensive things offend me.

   If you catch me in the morning in a yoga position... more than likely I passed out drunk that way.

   What if I am sexy and I don't know it?

   They say every birth is a miracle of God but after watching these people at Walmart they would probably become atheist.

   I really think that Rihanna's last name is Featuring.

   My girlfriend told me that I need to treat her like she is something precious... So I threw her into a Volcano.

   I was born in the 70's.......which means the Doctor probably needed to use a weed whacker to get me out!

   I had to complain to my neighbor again about her sunbathing while I am NOT at home

   Women must love you because you are the biggest d!ck I have ever seen

   I hate when women look at me as a sex object.. Girl, objects don't move the way I do... ;)

   Why isn't there a reality show called "Security Cams of Walmart?"

   Lying in bed last night unable to sleep and my girlfriend asked me how many sexual partners I've had. Counting them certainly put me to sleep.

   Dear credit card company, Your endless calls are a waste of both your time and mine. If you were dumb enough to approve me for a credit card at the height of my alcoholism... be smart now and realize my sober ass isn't payin' you sh!t.

   So this girl at a coffee bar came up to me and said I was kinda cute. Kinda? Well, thanks, you sort of fat b!tch.