Forget Trump - Funny Status Messages that are not about Trump

   Mobile sex: push 1 for oral, 2 for anal, 3 for normal, 4 for a trio, 5 for SM and for everything ... dial my number!

   I think I should tell you what people are saying behind your back.……. Nice Ass!!

   This table is a bit wobbly, one of the legs appears to be shorter, Luckily I have just been given a copy of the new album by Nickleback

   It turns out Donna Summers lied, She Wont Survive....

   Friendly Advice: If you run out of Chapstick, just use chicken sh!t. It doesn't help your chapped lips, but it keeps you from licking them.

   If you drink enough, your brain starts photoshopping people.

   Keep it up and you will die pretty early in the book I'm writing.

   The cop thought I was texting and driving so I pulled down my pants and showed him why I was smiling at my crotch.

   I have heard of women that aren't crazy, but I've also heard of Unicorns.

   Wise man:"Some girls beg, some girls borrow. Some girls lead & some girls follow. Some bring joy & some bring sorrow, but the best girls just suck & swallow!"

   Facebook has made me a better writer. My work emails are succinct, well-worded, and they make at least one reference to balls, farts, or sex.

   So my neighbor comes over last night and has the nerve to tell me to turn my music down.......So I says "What the heck are you even doing up at 2:00 am in the first place?!"

   The boss phoned and yelled "Are you still asleep?.... You should have been here two hours ago!" I said "Why... what happened two hours ago?"

   For $38 a share, you can own a piece of Facebook. I want to buy that thumbs-up "like button". Anyone want to share that cost?

   Just once, I'd like to see a judge take the verdict slip from the jury, look at it, and then turn and say, "ARE YOU SHlT'N ME?!"

   "Let's just be friends" is a woman's way of saying she would rather mutilate her v@gina than sleep with you.

   I like my women like I like my coffee... Hot, Sweet and "That's mine, don't f*cking touch it!"

   The world will be a much better place if everybody took a chill pill... It would be even better if some of them choked on it.

   I don't care how nice my neighbors are, I still wanna put their garden hose in their bedroom window and turn it on around 3 am.......

   the fact that I can order Domino's in my underwear without leaving my bed has proven how far technology has really came.... and how fuc%in' lazy I have also became.