Forget Trump - Funny Status Messages that are not about Trump

   Friends are like condoms. They are always there to protect you when things get hard.

   WTF is with the "poke" suggestions on Facebook? I just poked TWO guys, thinking that THEY poked ME first?

   I don't understand why you're mad. I used YOUR name as my password, honey! :) Who cares if the "hint" to retrieve it is ....BlTCH?

   If it's a lady, I like to speak quickly in the drive-thru at Burger King by saying: "I have a Whopper!" When they ask: "what would you like on it?" YOU!

   Know your limitations, people. Sometimes certain body cavities just won't stretch that far.

   I will pay good money to anyone who can take me from work, make it look like an abduction and tuck me back into bed.

   My birthday suit used to fit much better than this…

   it just me or does anybody else miss the days when music on the radio sounded good, made sense, and actually required talent to make?????

   Nice guys finish last. Bad boys finish on her face.

   Well, personally I haven't met Mrs Right but I have met her evil twin, Mrs Always-Right.

   a texas tourist asked an irish man why divers fall backwards when diving to which he replied: if they fell forward they would still be on the boat

   When will women understand that pouting and doing the duck-face is not sexy at all? Oh and include acting dumb on that list.

   I saved a life today.... I asked a beggar, "How would you feel if I gave you 10,000 in cash?" He replied," I would die of happiness!" So I didn't give him any money I saved a life

   I am surprised nobody has thought of inventing sleeping pills for toddlers.

   I'll save a kid from drowning in a pool, unless I'm wearing a really nice dry clean only outfit.

   Don't tell anyone, but I just farted...lets keep it our little secret.

   Facebook: A social media website that will continually remind you how stupid some of your "friends" really are...

   For some people, being able to speak 5 different langauges just means they can be annoying in 5 different languages.

   Woman says: "Be honest with me"... Man hears: "Lie convincingly, or you'll be stuck talking about this for the next hour and a half; then every other week for the next six months; then, whenever she's mad/happy/bored and feels like bringing it up again.."

   Del Taco, macho size. Because sometimes you just need 6 pounds of fries in a bucket.