Forget Trump - Funny Status Messages that are not about Trump

   It's funny how the things I like most on a woman are the things I like most on chickens....... "Legs and breast."

   Sittin' in the Dr.'s office next to the "turn off cell phone" sign using my phone to share this with you. Because, yeah... that's how I f*ckin' roll. :)

   Everything happens for a reason. - What I say when I put my foot up so far up your ass you'll be sneezing toenails.

   I am not mean, I am blunt. Which means I will tell you the clear difference between a bit naive, and INCREDIBLY STUPID!

   Hey guys, if you wanna know if your new girl is keepin' up with her "womanscaping"... take a look at her feet. If they look like an eagle's talons, run... run hard and run fast. You're Welcome. :)

   Bacon pie crust. Does that exist? Because if it doesn't I think I'm going to be a millionaire.

   Desperate for sex I headed to the local club and immediately started chatting to the 1st girl I saw and got right to the point. "Hey beautiful, how do you like your eggs in the morning?" "Unfertilized." she replied.

   You people really do need a sense of humor... many of your votes are wrong!!!

   I think it's safe to assume that Nick Stahl is dead from an overdose and his body is probably out in the Nevada desert laying against a Joshua tree by now....I mean his character from Terminator wasn't too put together either.

   My ex broke up with me because she says I was obsessed with footbal. I was shocked. I mean we were together for 5 1/2 seasons.

   :My girlfriend and I both think she's put on some weight. The difference? She's the only one who says it out loud. Yes, I'm smart

   A friend said lunch tomorrow and lets go "DUTCH" So I showed up with my DUTCH oven ready to go..

   on a scale of Rihanna to Christina Ricci: How big is your forehead?

   I'm thinking about opening an online Facebook rehab clinic.

   Call me lazy, but if it takes two clicks I'm not reading it.

   I bet Australian storm chasers are bummed out when they realize it's just another Tasmanian devil.

   He's got moves like Jagger.... Sorry.. Palsy.... He's got palsy

   Dear phone. If you wouldn't remind me every ten seconds that my battery was low, I'd be able to finish my status upda

   People come in many colors. Orange should not be one of them.

   With all the talent in America it looks like they could have found someone with it to host and judge the show...