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I wonder when they will put the middle class on the endangered species list. 
Cashier: "Did you find everything you were looking for?" Me: "Nope - still single." Both of us: "Hahahaha!"
Making my lunch for work sucks ass because I smoked a big joint before going in and I ate everything by 9am.
There are only two tragedies in life: one is not getting what one wants, and the other is getting it.
there anything worse than being in a quiet break-room with someone eating something crunchy?
Today I'm going to sleep naked. *14 mosquitos likes this*
I'm trying Speed dating, but so far all these women are screaming at me to slow the bus down under 50 mph :(
Your dad once had a shop towel that he used to clean up oil and grease. That towel grew up to be Russell Brand.
No one cares about your problems. Take your clothes off.
It's annoying that I don't understand all these Call of Duty or Lord of the Rings jokes. Then I remember, I have a girlfriend.
Strip Rock Paper Scissors is my new favorite game.
She wanted to do it doggy style so I sniffed her ass, humped her leg and bit her on the face.
Hershey's is coming out with a new candy bar for transvestites... called Heshey's
More than 7 billion other people in the world,and not one of them is naked in front me right now. That's not right...
To the person who put those three stupid messages using my ID... Your m0m's 0rg@sm face looks scary...
Politicians don't wanna scare you, they wanna keep you stupid. Fear is just the smell when ignorance takes a sh!t.
My girlfriend went out for drinks with the girls from her work... Can't wait for her to get back and tell me EVERYTHING that's wrong with me.
Just spilled coffee on my crotch. Now I have a hot rod.
Spare the rod, spoil the child? Um, no thanks. That sounds gross. How about I just keep using my rod to spoil these lovely ladies? (^^,)
"I'm sorry, baby, I just have a lot on my plate right now." - Me breaking up with my girlfriend at Old Country Buffet
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