Forget Trump - Funny Status Messages that are not about Trump

   The United States...311,591,917 people trying to keep it real, and 7,000 plastic surgeons trying to convince them otherwise.

   Look to the left, now look to the right..... I just virtually slapped you.

   Facebook friends: People I know - 75% People I talk to - 20% Real friends - 5%

   Getting tired of people who haven't had a drop in 10 years calling themselves alcoholics. If you're living in Iowa, you ain't a sea captain.

   Social networking is like a club. Twitter is the dance floor, tumblr is the bar and facebook is the people crying in the toilets.

   Good girls go to Heaven, bad girls just make you FEEL like you're in Heaven!

   Kim Kardashian just tweeted that she is cleaning up her closing and will be selling her stuff on eBay auctions. Get ready to catch crabs people.

   Listen. You can keep retaking all the pictures you want, but that's what your face looks like.

   "Be honest with me" means "lie convincingly".

   Whenever I screw up at work I'm so glad I'm not a doctor.

   If part of being your man is having to ever hear you perform your songs then, no, Sheryl Crow, I am not strong enough.

   Whenever a man wants to prove to me that he's tough, I make him fry bacon without a shirt on.

   @comediancoolaid: I didn't know I was single untill I was wit this chic and her phone rang and she told me to be quiet.

   : Nothing in the world is more obnoxious than a middle-aged white woman on her second glass of wine. Seriously, calm down

   If you think I wrote this status update in the nude, you're wrong. I'm wearing a sombrero and a candy necklace.

   I went to see my boss today and said, "I think we have a communication problem." He replied, "You can say that again, I fired you two weeks ago."

   I feel like a MILF because Man I Love Facebook.

   The key to successful relationships is not to start any.

   The only reason why I wouldn't care if I ever actually laughed my ass off is that I rarely give a sh*t.

   Dear girl running for her life, I was only running after you with the knife trying to protect you from whatever you were running from... call me