Forget Trump - Funny Status Messages that are not about Trump

   I think it's pretty awesome to be overweight, because I can usually foil any trapdoor plans

   My guidance councilor had a poster in his office of a kitten hanging from a tree that said "You should probably go ahead and kill yourself."

   I think the show " America's Got Talent " Should have a question mark at the end of it

   Yes, America's the fattest nation on earth but that means were also the funniest when falling off bicycles.

   I've never seen more than 600 dollars worth of cars in a 7-Eleven parking lot.

   Want proof America's getting fatter?? I Almost ran out of gas waiting to make a right turn on a green light. Woman's ass took 5 minutes longer than she did to cross the street..

   ~ What makes a Man happy? Daughter on cover of Cosmo, Son on cover of Sports Illustrated, Mistress on the cover of Playboy & Wife on the missing persons list.

   Bacon is bacon; eggs is eggs; dont let them boys between your legs; they'll say your cute; they'll say your fine; 9 months later they'll say it ain't mine.

   WoW. Think about that word. WoW backwards is WoW. And WoW upside down is MoM. And MoM upside down is dad's favorite thing. :)

   Guess who has The Addams Family theme song stuck in their head?...... You. *snap snap*

   Dear God...thank you for all the good times you brought me this spring. Especially for that waitress in Myrtle Beach. You remember her....she kept screaming your name. :)

   Thank God I finally found love! Its on Page 126 in the dictionary.

   Dear cellphone companies: please please , invent a "unsend text" option

   I ShlT you not, Someone just asked me to be a standup comedian for their kid's graduation party.

   I went to Wal-Mart to buy shampoo. Spent $150 and forgot the shampoo

   Dear ugly people: Stop playing hard to get, you're already hard to want

   it's very important to exercise as we get older. my uncle started walking 5 miles a day when he was 65. today he's 90 and we haven't a sweet jesus clue where he is.

   I have a telescope in the peep hole of my door, so I can see who's at my door for 2 miles…..who is it???? Who's it gonna be when you get here….:)

   ...I'm begining to think my Amish friend isn't going to text me.

   HEY,,,Being a teenager is hard, you guys.... Especially when you're 45..