Forget Trump - Funny Status Messages that are not about Trump

   Red wine goes with meatloaf, right?

   My hamster died today,he fell asleep at the wheel..

   If you love something, let it go, if it comes back to you, it has really low self esteem and you should exploit that for sexual favor.

   I woke up and didn't see my shadow, so I went back to sleep for 6 more hours. Pretty sure that's doing it right.7

   Last month,, An ancient tampon was found in a cave in the Yucatan... Archaeologists are not sure which period it's from.

   If you ever have to choose between a large Weevil and a small Weevil,, take the smaller one... Cause, you know,,, It's the lesser of two weevils.

   ATTENTION, Good people of the State Mississippi .... Ancestry.com is NOT an online dating service! ... That is all ...

   You know your a$s is ugly when you're the one always asked to take the photo.

   Damn.. who isn't pregnant...?

   Oh, you're a model? What's your agency? Instagram

   If I had $100 for every time I read something interesting on my Facebook feed, I'd be very poor.

   I'm not calling you an idiot, but I wouldn't be surprised if you have googled "how to breathe."

   The look on the cashiers face when a fat girl purchases leggings.

   Hey, if you stay really quiet and listen very, very closely, You can hear the beautiful sound of you shutting the f$ck up.

   To all the students who drop out of high school: Remember two things, 1. You tried your best. 2. I don't like onions on my Big Mac.

   Facebook would be much more interesting if they let you decide, which part of the body you wanna Poke.

   I wish Monday was a figment of my imagination.

   Adele's ex-boyfriend and Gotye's ex-girlfriend should totally hook up.

   Step 1: Boil noodles. Step 2: Make sauce. Step 3: Take picture of completed dish before eating and post to Facebook saying "Mmmmm SkETTi!"

   Boss: You drunk? Me: No I'm totally "sober" Him: Did you do air quotes when you said sober? Me: What? No. Look, I need to get back to "work"