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mama gettin a lil out of control with this mothers day thing , she want me to rub her feet. 
thats weird?! all my mom wanted was cool whip for mothers day.
Bought my wife bagels this morning so she dont have to cook breakfast...Happy Mother s day:)
"Parkinson's" is a way better name than what it was first called in the 70's - "Involuntary Boogie Party".
I keep a baseball bat under my bed just incase someone breaks into my house while I'm sleeping and throws a baseball at me
Use yes and no once. 1) Are you gay?:_____ 2) Are you lying?:_____
Have you ever been really thirsty and really bored at the same time? That's how houseplants feel all the time.
I'm sorry I jumped on you, from a distance you looked like a conclusion.
Imagine yourself watching Storage Wars or Auction Hunters on TV thinking to yourself that stuff looks familiar then saying oh wait that's my sh/t !!
The world would be a much better place if everyone just did what I told them to do and stopped asking so many stupid questions.
"Jacuzzi" - a Swedish word that loosely translates to "sweating underwater".......
Why is it that on Sunday when I say ”I can't, I have to be good at work tomorrow” I do anyway and I'm never good at work tomorrow?
The only thing worse than reading your status is having to look at your stupid ass profile picture next to it.
Always have faith and believe in yourself........well... because... the rest of us think you're an idiot!!!
For the last time people....... I'm not fat! I am just so full of sexy that it over flows... There is a difference!
I'm going to take my new laptop back to the shop today. I've just noticed that the I, O, X and H keys are upside down.
Roach joints. Because yeah... I recycle! :)
A survey found 95% of men don't know how to turn a dishwasher on. Personally I find licking her nipples and a light fingering does the trick.
I wonder how many times that fat kid on Adam's Family locked himself in the bathroom with a playboy and that freaky hand thing?!?!
Why is it called "raw sewage?" Does that mean that someone, somewhere, is cooking the sh!t?
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